Life · In · Suspension

So I'm in the woods behind Jay's house, sitting beneath a tree, all Buddha-like;  enjoying the scenery, writing a thing or two in my little notebook, y'know, taking a breather.  I'm a little nervous, because, well, in the middle of the woods, you can't see too much, the foliage is so thick, there are a lot of places for a would-be assailant to hide and you can't really rely on what you hear since the area is naturally noisy with squirrels, birds, stray cats, etc.  But, y'know, I'm not TOO scared or anything.  Just enjoying myself.  I sit out there for a about twenty minutes, smoke some cigarettes... and then it occurs to me that this tapping noise I heard from behind me (which I took for a woodpecker or somesuch) seemed to be getter gradually nearer to me.  It's just you're imagination, I tell myself;  stop being so paranoid, it's just some crazy bird.  But it's not my imagination - the damn noise really is getting closer and closer to me now, I'm sure of it.  I put my cigarette out, grab my bag and stand up; as I do so, the tapping stops and I hear a rustling from behind me like someone hurriedly trying to get away.  So I go after whatever it is, following it behind the tree (more of a dense, tall cluster of shrubs, really - difficult to see through, in other words) and at this point I'm a little freaked out because, though I still here whoever or whatever it is running away, I can't see anything.  Then I spot something red, moving around and I follow it with my eyes.  I then move out of the shrubbery so that I can see into a clearing.

I feel overwhemingly BLAH today. Worse than that; more like when I was on Paxil and hadn't taken it for a few days. Could I please wake up today and get my frickin' blood movin'?

I've got things to do. I've got a transcript to mail, a car to sell and work to find... the challenge will be getting my ass off the couch.

At least I've got most of my Xmas shopping done. On borrowed money, how tacky is that??? Oh well, I'll have $ soon enough. I think, especially if I stay here, I'll take out another loan for living expenses. Not much, just so that I can get by without having to work 40 hrs a week whlie I'm in school. Maybe then I'll even be able to save money for this summer in Boston (big IF)

In the meantime, I'll be happy when Patrick gets back. I've missed him. It's amazing how we've closed such an old rift so quickly. I'm glad we did.

I haven't spoken to Darrin. I hope he's alright.

I can't wait to go to New York. I'm so fucking happy that I'm actually DOING it instead of just talking about it. I'm so excited I could pee. But first I have to submit my application. It's almost ready, I just have to figure out how to reformat my essay.

I think I might apply to Eugene Lang also.

I have an A in sociology and I think a B in Anthropology.  Not bad.  Not great but not bad. I should be able to sustain a 3.5 until next fall.

God, I hate being sick, it's fucking BORING.  Suddenly I'm very aware of how much I take breathing and speaking normally for granted. 

I all too often get the idea that he's always one step ahead of me and that not only makes me very uneasy but it pisses me the fuck off. I'm afraid of things. Is it okay to be so scared all the time? To be so disturbed by things so familiar? I think if people knew how fragile I feel inside they'd never touch me. Maybe that's why.

The weather has changed, abruptly.  And so it goes from green to dead - my body doesn't like it; it's not behaving as it should.